Raw Es Mexicano 10-17-11

Ésta noche, estamos en México D.F. para Raw. Pues, voy a blogear totalmente en español para celebrar.

According to my professors, I couldn't write good in Spanish so I better quit while I'm ahead. (And yes, my grammatical error is there completely for irony.) All I said was tonight, we are in Mexico City for Raw. So, I'm going to blog totally in Spanish to celebrate. (Or something equivalent to that)

Last week, we suffered through one of the worst Raws since Katie Vick. If I were personally not committed to do the Raw blog, I would have switched to Fox and watched House or something. I still have faith that somehow they will turn this around.

We start off the night with Super Dave Osborne in the ring. He is so awful on the mic. The wrong Dynamic Dude is speaking. (Shane Douglas, where are you?) He brings back Jim Ross. I haven't seen a more emotionless hug since Hollywood Hogan hugged "in-the-rafters" Sting. He makes a match. Cole/Del Rio vs. Ross/Cena. At least we know who'll win.

Randy Orton comes out. The crowd acted like it was Juanes. In accordance with the art of Lucha Libre, we get a 6-man tag. Orton/John Morrison/Sheamus versus Christian/Cody Rhodes/Mark Henry. The crowd hung off of every move Randy Orton made. Orton & Rhodes were not long for this match as they got to go to the back and fight. It was a nice match. I really feel that Henry is coming into his own as a top guy. The John Morrison Future Endeavors tour continued as he was probably killed by Mark Henry.

No matter what happens here, it could be worse. I could be seeing that awful movie In Time.

We got some more time with Broadus Clay. He isn't a bad speaker. After the Bellas hung on Johnny Ace, they can only go up. Eve is making her way to the ring. I will take this opportunity to pee. It took longer than I intended. I have no idea what happened.

After the commercial, we got CM Punk and then Awesome Truth came out. They cut a promo on Punk and he just stood there and smiled. This was a decent match. My satellite went out so I have no idea what happened. Punk got a roll-up and won.

We had Jack Swagger escorted by Dolph and Vickie. She looked really nice in her traditional Mexican dress. And yes, she said "Excuse me" in Spanish. They really got the crowd going. They were very good with them. Then we were saved by my daughter's favorite wrestler, Zack Ryder. My daughter doesn't know any wrestlers. She just says, "Woo woo woo." Zack Ryder get a pin in record time. After they start a beatdown on Ryder, he is saved by Matista.

Ziggler did a good job carrying the Walking Wellness Violation. Matista got disqualified for... I have no idea.

Then JR and John Cena had a little back and forth and then Cole heeled the crowd.

The main event turned out to be an ok match. For it to be a good match, I have to believe Cena can lose.

This was not as bad as last week's Raw. We are still stuck with Super Dave Osborne, but the crowd was hot and made the wrestlers seem important. There is plenty that can be improved, but for tonight, I'll rest on not hating it.

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Raw Is Vacant 10-10-2011

Well, words escaped the end of last week's Raw. That was one of the most surreal Raws I ever saw. Now it's time to see how the WWE follows it up. The announcer's seats are empty. We get a nice perspective of the back area. And we get to start with Triple H. Surprise. And after HHH's entrance, there's only 15 minutes left of Raw, so no worries there. The superstars are outside and waiting for HHH to step down. Then he panders worse than Hogan's cup to the ear thing. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the Confederate Warrior himself John Cena comes to the ring. We get serious John Cena. He didn't sound so scripted. And then comes out my Pasty White Hero, Sheamus. He's still with HHH. Then Punk comes out. He's still with HHH. He makes a match. Cena vs. Sheamus with Punk on commentary and HHH as ref.

Commercial break. I have been without caffeine for 2 days. Any more Red Robin commercials, I will need to be held down.

After the commercial Vince McMahon comes out. Everyone's heart sunk. Vince likes watching Raw at home. Board of Directors met about this situation. HHH is no longer running Raw. The new person running Raw is Super Dave Osborne. If I was not doing this review, I would be watching 2 Broke Girls on DVR.

Brian Wilson is on my tv. All of a sudden, Super Dave Osborne isn't so bad.

Now all the wrestlers are coming back in. John Morrison tells Johnny Ace he sucks. Then he continues his burial tour against Christian. My wife notices Morrison has shaved his face. She acted like I did when Nelson Cruz hit his grand slam. Morrison was squashed. Then Ziggler, Swagger & Rhodes take out Morrison.

Then HHH threatens Super Dave.

Then Randy Orton and Mark Henry had a match. Cody Rhodes interferes. DQ. Mark Henry beats him up a few times. Randy Orton is ridiculously stale.

We had Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Rosa & Tamina. We've still got psycho angry Kelly. Eve pins Tamina. Poor Tamina. Super Dave asks JR to come into the ring. Really? At this point in his career, what are you going to do to JR they haven't already done? Super Dave is so awful on the mic. He just sounds like he's reciting a script. He fired JR.

We get Matista & AirBoom vs. Swagger, Ziggler & Otunga. This is the best match of the night so far by default. The highlight was the powerbomb Jack Swagger did on Evan Bourne. I have nothing against Matista/Mason Ryan. He just looks like he couldn't pass a piss test.

John Cena's movie looks awful. And I like Ethan Embry.

Punk and Del Rio were fighting until Super Dave stopped it and reinstated Awesome Truth. I stopped caring during this match. I was impressed by what I saw from ADR. The work in this match was really good. I just felt like I was watching House-no show is ever new; I just watch out of habit. Miz/Truth were disqualified and then HHH came to Punk's rescue.

This is without a doubt the worst Raw I have seen in a long time. This is just as bad as Katie Vick era or the night the nWo started demolishing the Nitro set. The first 15 minutes were brilliant and then it was just like a fart in church from there. They most likely killed drawing in Oklahoma and I would be surprised to see their ratings higher than 2.5. Not saying all hope is lost. But something needs to change.

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Raw Is Chaos 10-3-11

I would like to begin this by wishing Mother Ruff a very happy [age deleted]th birthday. The Rangers are giving us heart attacks. The Cowboys embarrass themselves against the Lions. And as happy as that makes me, the Eagles can't win either. I missed last night's Hell in a Cell. Due to a HUGE weekend, it was just too much to go out on a Sunday night. From what I hear, there was a  lot of chaos and a lot of questions to have to answer.

It seems like tonight's Raw has some major buzz. Randy Orton comes out first and kills my buzz. Drew McIntyre is already in the ring and gets no entrance theme. Thanks for spoiling the end of the first match, WWE. This was a little more than a squash. McIntyre got his share of offense in. The crowd seemed to be really into Randy Orton. But does he make you tune into the show? I can think of 1.98 reasons why he doesn't. Orton pinned him in what was a decent opener. Kudos to McIntyre for making him look good. Then he attacks McIntyre after the match. Why is he a face?

Mark Henry came out and they fought each other. Security kept on trying to hold them back and they kept on attacking each other. A great visual.

We had a Mark Henry video package. Then John Morrison continued his "About to Be Future Endeavored" tour against Mark Henry. Morrison got some offense before Mark Henry kicked out of Morrison's finisher. Mark Henry grabbed the mic. He is done with Randy Orton. He wants Big Show.

Super Dave Osborne is giving the heels a pep talk. All 6 are going to the ring. (At this point, my wife fell asleep, for those of you curious.)

Alberto del Rio speaks. As much as I loathe that it's Otunga getting the ball, I like that they are finding a common theme among everything that is happening. Each rep got to cut their promo about how they are being wronged. And then Vickie grabbed the mic. You would have thought she was Michelle Bachman at an Atheist's convention. And then HHH came out and told them they weren't men or something. I like the thought and concept; the execution is not doing it for me.

We got Eve & Kelly fighting Beth & Nattie. Kelly & Eve gave Beth & Nattie a beatdown. I don't think this was a match. I saw some fire from Kelly. I liked it.

Super Dave Osborne apologized to HHH. He called for a vote of "no confidence."

Rock is on my tv. My wife woke up. Jinder Mahal started speaking a foreign language. That must mean we're supposed to boo him. Marella grabbed the mic and started mocking Mahal's language. Classy. Santino squashed Mahal. Mahal must be opening for Morrison on his "About to Be Future Endeavored" tour.

Broadus Clay footage. He's like a walking zip code.

The footage of the beatdown was unreal. All the wrestlers were out there, heels and faces alike. There are so many questions to be answered here. Miz and Truth apologized (ish).

Then there was the 12-man match. We had "Never Pissed in a Cup" Mason Ryan. Sheamus got in some good offense. Cody Rhodes had some good moments and looked good. This was pretty good for a cluster. Kofi did the face in peril very well. The crowd loved it. Even my wife who happened to wake up again noticed Evan Bourne come in and go to town. This crowd was so wild all night. They did the spot where everybody did their finishers. Then Sheamus got the pin. I thought the match would be a lot worse than it was. It was given the time it needed.

All the wrestlers came out and stood ringside. So everybody stands ringside while HHH gets the center of attention. This is so ridiculous. He needs to take himself off tv. And out of all the superstars, the one who gets the mic... Wade Barrett? Then Mike Chioda gets a mic? Me like. Then Beth gets a mic. "We're girls." Really? Then Lawler gets in the ring with HHH. Everything is out of control, but it's not HHH's fault. There's a puppeteer behind the scenes. Who is it? Everybody votes no confidence, including Lawler, who did it kind of reluctantly. Then, one by one, factions walked out, the last being JR. What a surreal Raw.

This has to be the most surreal Raw I have seen since ECW and WCW joined forces and the best Raw since CM Punk cut "The Promo." So many questions abound.

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Raw Is Dedicated to Mr. Peppermint 9-26-11

For those of you who have no idea who Mr. Peppermint is, click here. His show, Peppermint Palace, was on every Saturday morning on ABC at 6 (or 5, I don't remember). His show meant Saturday morning cartoons were going to start. And that was back when you didn't have Nick Jr. or Cartoon Network. This was the highlight of your week. So a moment of silence and respect to Mr. Peppermint.

We have some questions from last week's Raw. What will come of "on-fire" Alberto del Rio? What of Miz and Truth being fired? What injury will Tony Romo suffer? What indy promotion do I want to get next and do a review on? (I'm thinking Chikara.)

We start off with Triple H. I look at upcoming Chikara and AAW shows. My AIW show is on its way. Triple H was interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. And yet, people still booed her. Ziggler sounded really good. Ziggler and Triple H played off each other really well. Then Cody Rhodes interrupted. And then Christian interrupted. Christian gets lots of matches. Ziggler fights Zack Ryder. Cody Rhodes gets a Battle Royal.

This was a pretty good fast Battle Royal. Cody Rhodes retained.

After the break, Super Dave Osborne is talking to "Not-so-Super" David Otunga. Apparently, he is still a lawyer even if he's not practicing. Oh, the stupid... It burns.

We got a tag match. Nattie/Beth vs. Eve/Kelly. We got a Kelly Kelly video package. We need more of these. The crowd actually seemed to care about this match. Beth pinned the champion. Hopefully we get Beth winning more. Her and Nattie are a really good duo.

Mark Henry took apart Great Khali. It was an awesome image and added credibility to his tear of destruction.

John Cena cut a promo. Kansas City thought he was the Chiefs because there were some cheers, but a lot more boos. Then Del Rio came out ringside. Del Rio was doing commentary with his wrestling tights on. Then Punk came out with his announcer's jacket. This match ended in a DQ. This was the best way to do this. Christian didn't lose.

We got Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler. We got to plug Hugh Jackman's film. Ziggler looked really good in this match. Due to some outside interference by Jack Swagger, we got a tainted Ziggler victory. Air Boom came to Ryder's rescue.

Teddy Long made a match: AirBoom/Ryder vs. Swagger/Ziggler in a handicap match. This was a fun match. The crowd was really into it. Vickie went out and found a soon-to-be-suspended Mason Ryan, affectionately known as "Matista." He's a heel still. As soon as Mason Ryan was tagged it, he was a heel no more. He took out Team Vickie. Why did he do that? Interesting question.

Not-so-Super David Otunga is talking to the boys in the locker room. He's creating a lawsuit. I like this. It's creating an interesting storyline.

Our main event was ADR vs. CM Punk. This was a really decent match. Punk won. Then the cage lowered. Punk and Cena destroyed Ricardo Rodriguez and then ADR destroyed the other two with a chair.

This was a pretty good Raw, but then again, I DVR'd it so I didn't have to sit through the stuff I didn't want to see. But a lot of questions are raised. And I'm really digging the build-up for Hell in a Cell.

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Raw is Wolverine 9-19-11

I'm gonna be honest. My expectations for tonight's Raw are pretty low. Like, "The Mullets" on UPN low. Tonight is going to be a two-hour-plus commercial for Hugh Jackman's new movie, which looks entirely craptacular. Like Mars Needs Mom competition for the worst box office of the year. There are some questions that need to be answered. Like, how come now that I've lost weight, my belt breaks? What is it about Nicole on Las Vegas Jailhouse that just makes you want to break the law in Vegas? How do I get my wife to let me buy a Homicide or Kenny King t-shirt? Too bad none of these questions have to deal with Raw.

I do have some questions on Raw. Why did Miz and R-Truth attack Trips and Punk last night? How will Del Rio react to losing his belt to Super Cena? Who else wants to work for Vickie Guerrero?

We begin with Punk. There is a conspiracy. Trips' music hits prompting "I wasn't finished" from CM Punk. Triple-H-Punk reminds me a lot of Sgt. Slaughter-DX. Trips and Punk are then interrupted by Super Dave, who is a stooge. By the end of the night, Leslie Nielsen will uncover who is responsible.

There was an 8-man match where everybody got to do their moves. Sheamus killed David Otunga. Otunga is lower than, well, everything.

HHH tells ADR that he will need to pray.

We get ADR vs. Morrison. This would make a really good feud. ADR was mad. He made Morrison tap out in record time. Today's lesson: Be nice to Trish Stratus.

Hugh Jackman came out to the crowd and did really well with the live crowd. As he was pimping out his film, he was interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Dolph refused to shake his hand. It was a fun segment. Ryder>Wolverine. The crowd chants "We want Ryder."

We got Sin Cara (probably the botcher) versus Cody Rhodes. The other Sin Cara comes out. They fight for a while. It wasn't a match. At least Cody Rhodes got to come out.

Then Miz and Truth apologized to Triple-H, the WWE Universe and even the Little Jimmies. They get Punk & Cena in the ring.

Mark Henry proved all the nay-sayers wrong. Jim Ross was one of them so he asks him to apologize. Ross does and channels his inner Clair Huxtable and tell him he hates "asskissers" and then attacks JR. The King comes to his rescue and then gets put through a table.

Eve and Kelly Kelly took on Beth & Nattie. Eve pinned Nattie Neidhart. It was pretty awful.

Hugh Jackman chose Zack Ryder to face Dolph Ziggler. The crowd was so ridiculously hot for Ryder. This was the right way to use a celebrity. Jackman looked like he legitimately had fun. Ryder pulled off the upset win and the crowd received exactly what they wanted. Imagine that, WWE. Give the people what they want and they will cheer.

We got a video package on Jack Swagger. We needed one of those. I need to remember why I care about him.

This was a pretty good main event. Cena/Punk vs. Awesome Truth. There was good drama, the 4 of them clicked pretty well together. At the end of the match, Triple H fired Miz and R-Truth. Chaos ensued in the back which lead to an all-out brawl.

It was a really good finish to a Raw that was somewhere between average and good. Maybe a Mike Sanders Raw ("Above Average"). I thought Hugh Jackman added to the product. There is still a mystery and intrigue to Raw. No passes given. I enjoyed myself tonight.

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Raw Is Better Than the Cowboys 9-12-11

I just wanted to see exactly how much hate I could generate. Looks like so far, so good. I am a diehard Eagles fan, so the only thing that makes me happier than Cowboys fans' misery is- never mind, nothing makes me happier.

So now that I've cut a promo that will make me the biggest heel in DFW's wrestling, it's time to get serious about Raw. We've got rumors of Bret Hart showing up. Who from Smackdown will be there tonight? It's also possible that the Cowboys special teams center will be there tonight, because he sure wasn't blocking the Jets. (Zinger #1)

We begin the night with Alberto del Rio. This is perfect. He needs to be the focus. ADR called himself the greatest of the great so we get the best there is, best there was, best there ever will be. Well, that brought out the first man to claim that-Bret Hart. ADR hires Canadians to clean HIS house. As soon as ADR tells Hart something is about to go down, John Cena sucks out all the energy in the crowd by showing up. ADR stands toe-to-toe with Cena instead of walking away. Super Dave Osborne makes a main event of Bret Hart and John Cena versus Ricardo Rodriguez and ADR. This segment was just there for me. It was pretty weak and sounded so scripted. They just sounded like a group of guys reciting lines.

After the commercial, we get Dolph & Swagger vs. Riley & Morrison. There was no entrance for Morrison. The last time I saw my wife that upset was when Romo fumbled the ball on the 3rd yard line. (Zinger#2) Riley pinned Swagger. There was absolutely nothing behind that match. I understand the story. It just didn't click for me.

Miz knew what we all had witnessed so he gave us a pretty good promo. They walked away from the set and Miz cut his promo on the way to the ring. And then R-Truth, who apparently has WWE Creative channel the writers of Amos & Andy for his material, set African-American characters back 20 years. Kamala was a culturally more evolved character than Truth is right now. They need to find somebody to write for him or let him do his own dialogue.

Miz wrestled Kofi in what was a good match. Both those guys are very solid workers and I'm looking forward to their match. It was well-booked and made sense (in WWE world).

Lawler slammed McGillicutty for being nothing like his father and Otunga for having no charisma. Then Lawler introduced his partner and it was Sheamus. They squashed old Nexus. Wow, that was awful.

Rodriguez & ADR vs. Cena & Hart were again... just there. The crowd must have thought they were going to see a Senators game and found Raw instead. The crowd was awful all night. Bret put Rodriguez in the sharpshooter. Nobody lost any heat.

The 9/11 tribute wasn't awful except for them pointing out they were the first public gathering. I'll give them a pass. John Cena did pretty good on that narration.

Then Kelly Kelly and Vickie Guerrero had what best can be called an angle. Swagger hit Dolph and then Vickie got involved and then Kelly pinned her.

Mark Henry cuts a promo. I think we all were happy he didn't eat the microphone.

We got Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes. The whole point of this was to see Mark Henry sitting on a chair. Cody Rhodes defeated Orton with the facemask. Henry attacked Orton with a chair afterwards. As little as I cared about this match, it sold the PPV, so it deserves credit for that.

Raw ends with HHH. In honor of this angle, Marvel Comics is going to rewrite Civil War so Captain America dies in the first issue. If you got that, you are every bit as nerdy as I. I was at first very underwhelmed with the face off and then it escalated. I have not seen fire from HHH like that in years.

So what did I think? Raw was a one-segment show. I thought way too much time was wasted on Bret Hart and Jerry Lawler. R-Truth needs to have someone who's written dialogue for an African-American AFTER 1930 write for him. This could be better but it could also be a lot worse.

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Raw Is Not Working 9-5-11

So tonight, we look forward to a night full of intrigue and action. I'm not sure where I'm planning on getting it because it's probably not on Raw. Zing! But seriously, we are on the verge of reuniting with 2003 again. Every angle seems rushed. Any time anybody gets any momentum, they are put in a tag team with another guy gaining momentum. Triple H starts off every show. We're a Katie Vick away from revisiting the darkest era in WWE's history.

It looks like we are continuing the "Super Raw" gimmick. I'm good with this. We have a lot of good things going for us: CM Punk, Miz, Air Boom. We just need to go a different direction than they have in the last 10 years.

We begin with Punk, which is an improvement over weeks' past. Punk is different. Kevin Nash is not different. Punk calls out Nash. Nash walks to the ring wearing a t-shirt from the Simon Cowell Collection. Then HHH's music hit and drew Punk saying "I'm not done" which drew a laugh from my wife. (That she was even awake was a small miracle.) Kevin Nash made the WWE cool again. It was Nash who sent the text to HHH's phone. As they were doing this really intense promo between Nash and Trips that the audience cared nothing about, Punk was at the side, mugging for the camera and playing Mystery Science Theater 3000 to their speech. HHH fired Nash. If you believe he's really fired, I have some nice oceanfront property in Vegas for you.

Clive Owen is now doing a film where he has a porn-stache.

After the break, Kevin Nash gets into a limo with Super Dave Osborne. Air Boom comes out. My wife is happy. We see Jinder Mahal and then ask for the brand split to come back. We get Air Boom versus Mahal and (Kevin Nash's former co-star in "The Longest Yard") The Great Khali. The crowd seems to be really into Kofi & Evan. Of course Air Boom won.

Alberto del Rio's car arrived and Ricardo Rodriguez gets out and opens the door for him. Alberto del Rio drives? We get Eve Torres versus Beth Phoenix. Beth and Nattie have thighs that have zip codes (and they're all muscle). Their match wasn't very fluid. If they wanted real women that were contrary to the cookie cutter, they would go get women wrestlers like Sara del Rey, Portia Perez, Christina von Eerie, Daizee Haze or Athena.

Legolas from LOTR is backstage talking to Christian when Alberto del Rio interrupts them. We saw a promo for HHH's movie and then Nick Swardson's movie which should underperform Sarah Palin Undefeated.

R-Truth finally has music again? Miz has a suit that is based on one of Mick Foley's flannel shirts. These two work so well together. Miz comes off unscripted. R-Truth does not. They are facing Air Boom at the next PPV. Punk and Truth had a really good match that was wasted on some pretty awful commentary. Like Schiavone/Mark Madden bad. Punk won. HHH came out and made this match no-dq. And then Punk made it that HHH steps down. Do they pop stupid pills in the back? Let's just hook Sam and Diane up in the first episode of Cheers. How about Ross and Rachel getting together on the first episode of Friends? And maybe Tony Soprano gets killed in the first episode of Sopranos.

We get Lawler and Zack Ryder versus Hijo de Perfección and Mr. Hudson. Zack Ryder got tv time and a video package? Ryder got the pin.

Then we got Orton vs. Heath Slater. The crowd is into Randy Orton. This was actually really good for a squash. I miss these. Raw needs more of these.

Now John Cena is in the ring with Alberto del Rio. All the "rudos" come out to attack Cena. Rudos=heels in Spanish. 8-man tag match main event? Yes, please!

This would have been great if it weren't for the elimination part. Swagger eliminated two men almost single-handedly. Of course Super Cena was the only one left. 

There was no middle ground in tonight's Raw. It was either the greatest ever or the worst mind-numbingly awful excrement ever. Though I hate where they're taking Punk, he is making it entertaining. I like Air Boom and Awesome Truth. Kevin Nash has got to go (unless he unzips himself and Colt Cabana steps out). It just seemed like the WWE writers took a night off for Labor Day.

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